Section 1
It Starts With You
Before you can build a healthy relationship with someone else, you must first build one with yourself. Let's explore who you truly are.
Know Yourself
These 8 foundational areas shape every relationship you will ever have. Understanding them is not optional -- it is essential.
Ready to discover more?
Take our guided quizzes to uncover your attachment style, communication patterns, and emotional intelligence level.
Know Your Style
Understanding attraction is part of understanding yourself. Every expression of love is valid, and healthy relationships follow the same core principles.
These are just a few examples. The spectrum of human sexuality is diverse and you may identify with one or more of these orientations. It's important to respect your inner self-identification and to honor and recognize the validity of your true sexual orientation.
Compulsive Heterosexuality
Compulsive Heterosexuality is a very common result of the conservative and religious upbringing we inflict on our children. It is very common to admit or learn for the first time after many years of marriage, that you are now or might always have been attracted to the same sex. Research and understand this idea before you dismiss anything.
The Nicer You Are, The Bigger Target
Narcissists look for certain characteristics in potential victims. Knowing this can protect you.
Empathy & Compassion
Narcissists are drawn to individuals who are empathetic and compassionate, as they see these qualities as vulnerabilities that can be exploited.
Low Self-Esteem
Individuals with low self-esteem are more likely to seek validation, making them susceptible to manipulation through praise and flattery.
People-Pleasing
Narcissists are attracted to people who are eager to please and avoid conflict, as they are more likely to tolerate mistreatment.
Lack of Boundaries
Individuals with weak or inconsistent boundaries are more likely to tolerate invasive or controlling behavior.
Insecurity & Dependence
Narcissists target individuals who are insecure or dependent on others for validation. They exploit these insecurities to gain power and control.
Desire for Approval
A strong desire for approval makes you susceptible to those who use praise, admiration, and affection to gain trust and loyalty.
History of Trauma
Individuals who have experienced past trauma may be more vulnerable to tactics like gaslighting or emotional manipulation.
Isolation
Narcissists may isolate their victims from friends, family, or support networks to increase dependence and prevent them from seeking help.
Pamper Yourself Sometimes
Self-care is not selfish -- it is survival. Tap each item as you try it and watch your self-love journey grow.
Self Care
Whether you are single or in a relationship, taking care of yourself is essential. Self care is not selfish -- it is survival. Here are fifteen things you can do to practice self-love:
Prioritize Sleep
Ensure you get enough restorative sleep each night to recharge your body and mind. Create a calming bedtime routine and aim for 7-9 hours per night.
Nourish Your Body
Eat a balanced diet rich in fruits, vegetables, lean proteins, and whole grains. Stay hydrated by drinking plenty of water throughout the day.
Move Your Body
Engage in regular physical activity that you enjoy, whether it is going for a walk, practicing yoga, dancing, or hitting the gym.
Practice Mindfulness
Incorporate mindfulness practices into your daily routine, such as meditation, deep breathing exercises, or mindful eating.
Set Boundaries
Establish healthy boundaries in your relationships and learn to say no when necessary. Respect your own needs and limits.
Practice Compassion
Be kind and compassionate towards yourself, especially during challenging times. Treat yourself with the same love and kindness you would offer to a dear friend.
Cultivate Positive Affirmations
Practice positive self-talk and affirmations to boost self-esteem and cultivate self-love. Remind yourself often of your worth, strengths, and unique qualities.
Set Goals and Intentions
Identify personal goals and intentions that align with your values and aspirations. Break them down into manageable steps and take consistent action.
Celebrate Your Achievements
Acknowledge and celebrate your accomplishments, no matter how small. Take pride in your progress and growth.
Engage in Hobbies
Dedicate time to activities that bring you joy and fulfillment, whether it is painting, gardening, playing an instrument, or reading.
Connect with Nature
Spend time outdoors and immerse yourself in nature. Take leisurely walks in the park, go for hikes, or simply sit and appreciate the natural world.
Practice Gratitude
Cultivate an attitude of gratitude by reflecting on the things you are thankful for each day. Keep a gratitude journal.
Unplug and Disconnect
Take regular breaks from social media to reduce stress and enhance mental clarity. Disconnecting from technology allows you to reconnect with yourself.
Seek Support
Reach out to friends, family members, or a therapist for support and encouragement when needed. Surround yourself with positive influences who uplift you.
Indulge in Self-Care Rituals
Treat yourself to indulgent self-care rituals, such as a bubble bath, skincare routine, or massage. Pamper yourself regularly.
Self Talk: The Voice in Your Head
The way you speak to yourself matters. If you are a survivor, you may have someone else's voice, actions, or threats causing havoc in your mind.
Your comfort zone, especially if you have been in a long term relationship, is skewed towards the survival tactics that kicked in for you. Your nervous system can be exhausted. You might have multiple traumas to grieve and process, and it can be overwhelming. Traumatic events like these can downgrade or destroy our self image, our confidence, our trust.
If you find yourself repeating negative, hurtful, or mean things to yourself, slow down and examine those thoughts. Would you speak to your loved one that way? You don't deserve to continue suffering. Devote your energy to care taking of yourself, lovingly, patiently, gently. Speak to yourself in a loving, caring way, out loud if necessary.
Remember healing takes time, rest, and patience.
Transform Your Self-Talk
Try the Self-Talk Flipcards game to practice transforming limiting beliefs into empowering affirmations.
Play Self-Talk FlipcardsSurvivor Advice
Wisdom from those who have walked this path before you.
Raise Your Expectations!
“If he wanted to he would: Male energy is designed and hard wired to go after what they want.”
“If he is not putting forth the effort, stop begging and walk away.”
“Bare minimum is not good enough!”
Boundaries Are Everything
“Boundaries are worthless without Enforcement.”
Communicate what action you will take, for example to remove yourself, and then take that action when called for — 100% of the time!
How abuse escalates: An abuser will start small, with little things, as a test to see if you will tolerate it, forgive and forget, laugh it off. To check if you will get anxious when he is upset and give in. Then they will use a stepped approach with bigger punishments and smaller and smaller rewards until you are finally in over your head.
“Shockingly bad treatment gets tolerated, excused, hidden, forgiven, and repeated.”
— from the Author's Note
Personal Power Phrases
Practice saying these out loud. Your voice matters.
“I am uncomfortable with this.”
“No.”
“I do not have to explain myself.”
“That is unacceptable behavior.”
“I deserve better.”
“Love is not something we give or get; it is something that we nurture and grow, a connection that can only be cultivated between two people when it exists within each one of them — we can only love others as much as we love ourselves.”
— Brene Brown
How Do You Treat Yourself?
Take a moment to honestly reflect on these 20 questions. Check off the ones you can confidently say yes to.
Personal Growth
Being honest with yourself about your character, your strengths and weaknesses, your good and bad qualities, knowing your fears, and overcoming your judgements are all part of growing as a human.
If you don't truly know who you are or why you are worthy of love, others will also have difficulty loving you effectively, or convincing you of their love. Authenticity is lost in apathy. Boundaries that are important to protect your well-being are weak. So get ready to dive into the first and most important part of relationships: the relationship you have with yourself!
Some questions to get started with your journey:
Where do I see myself in the long run, and what can I do to get there?
What skills do I need to level up in my personal life?
How can I improve or better accommodate my physical health?
How can I understand my feelings better?
What parts of myself could use a little encouragement?
How can I get better at expressing myself?
What new things can I try to have more fun?
What do I wanna learn more about or get really good at?
How can I be more patient with myself when things get tough?
What habits can I start or stop to make life sweeter?
Who do I wanna be closer to, and how can I encourage that?
What really matters most to me, and why?
How can I practice communication with someone I trust?
What hobbies or passions can I dive into for fun?
How can I be kinder to the planet and make a difference?
How can I help or volunteer for something fun?
What scares me a lot but could be really cool if I tried it?
How can I embrace more meaning and purpose?
Major Life Stressors
These are considered “highly stressful” life events. Give yourself grace, forgiveness, and patience.
Death of a loved one
Divorce or relationship breakup
Serious illness or injury
Losing a job or experiencing unemployment
Moving to a new home or city
Financial difficulties, such as bankruptcy or foreclosure
Legal problems, such as being arrested or going to court
Major personal milestones, such as getting married or having a baby
Natural disasters, such as hurricanes, earthquakes, or wildfires
Experiencing trauma or violence, such as physical or sexual assault
Retirement or significant career change
Experiencing a major humanitarian crisis or pandemic
Being diagnosed with a serious or chronic illness
Being the victim of a crime, such as theft or assault
Going through a significant breakup of a close friend or family member
Being involved in a car accident or other serious accident
Facing discrimination based on race, gender, sexuality, or other factors
Being deployed or having a loved one deployed for military service
Experiencing a significant betrayal or breach of trust
Being estranged from a family member or loved one
This! This is why you should give yourself grace, forgiveness, and patience.
Could I Have Trauma?
You may have trauma without realizing it. Here are some scenarios that can cause trauma or have implications for later relationships.
Religious/Conservative Family
Strict/Repressive Parents
Lack of Emotional Support
Broken Trust/Infidelity
Abusive/Unavailable Partner
Neurodivergence
Childhood Abuse + Neglect
LGBTQIA+ Identity
Minority or Female Presenting
Narcissistic Parents or Family
Depression/Anxiety/Mental Health
Medical Gaslighting
Natural Disaster/World Events
Mass Casualty Incidents
Grief and Loss
Abandonment + Cruelty
If you have been physically or emotionally abused, it is important to seek therapy and go through the process of healing the deep wounds this type of abuse can leave. Start with taking care of yourself. Prioritize your needs fiercely. Find a therapist that you feel comfortable with and address any unhealed parts of yourself.
You are like a POW returning from a battle that you could never win. Give yourself all the love and treat your tears with grace.
Common Abuse Survivor Emotions
Feeling many of these emotions could mean you have been in an abusive or traumatic situation.
Confusion
Feeling unsure about what really happened and questioning your own perceptions.
Betrayal
Experiencing a sense of betrayal from manipulation and deceit.
Anger
Feeling intense anger towards the abuser for their mistreatment.
Guilt
Blaming yourself for the relationship's failure or for not seeing the signs.
Shame
Feeling embarrassed or humiliated by the behavior or the way it ended.
Grief
Mourning the loss of the relationship and the hopes and dreams you had.
Loss
Feeling a profound sense of emptiness after the relationship ends.
Loneliness
A deep sense of isolation after being cut off from your support network.
Isolation
Feeling socially isolated due to control and manipulation.
Anxiety
Heightened worry about the future and your ability to move on.
Depression
Persistent feelings of sadness, hopelessness, and despair.
Self-Doubt
Questioning your self-worth and capabilities due to gaslighting.
Insecurity
Feeling insecure about yourself after being devalued.
Fear
Afraid of retaliation or of repeating the same patterns.
Disorientation
Feeling disconnected from reality due to gaslighting tactics.
Overwhelm
Feeling like the change and disruption is too much to handle.
You can do this! These feelings will pass, and you will heal, and your life will be so much better.
The worst part is bad — but it IS temporary.
Caring vs. Uncaring Behavior
Know the difference. These everyday actions reveal the truth about a relationship.
Positive, Caring Effort
Consistently showing up and making plans together.
Listening attentively when you talk about your day.
Being respectful and not making jokes at your expense.
Being honest about their feelings and thoughts.
Remembering important dates and celebrating them meaningfully.
Being reliable and following through on commitments.
Supporting your dreams and goals.
Offering a hug when you're feeling down.
Pitching in with chores around the house.
Initiating affection, like a spontaneous kiss.
Saying "thank you" and showing appreciation.
Being there during tough times.
Respecting your space and alone time.
Validating your feelings, even if they disagree.
Taking responsibility and apologizing when wrong.
Finding compromises in disagreements.
Planning spontaneous dates or surprises.
Contributing financially to shared expenses.
Being faithful and loyal.
Making an effort to grow and improve as a partner.
Examples of Uncaring Behavior
Forgetting important dates without acknowledging or apologizing.
Frequently canceling plans or being consistently unavailable.
Dismissing or ignoring your feelings and opinions.
Avoiding difficult conversations or withholding information.
Being unresponsive to your needs during challenging times.
Neglecting household responsibilities.
Showing little to no affection or physical intimacy.
Taking you for granted and failing to express appreciation.
Being dismissive when you're upset or going through a tough time.
Violating boundaries or disregarding your wishes.
Blaming you for problems instead of taking responsibility.
Refusing to apologize after hurting your feelings.
Stubbornly refusing to compromise.
Failing to keep the romance alive.
Expecting you to shoulder the financial burden alone.
Engaging in behaviors that betray trust — lying, cheating.
Being emotionally distant or unavailable.
Showing no interest in your hobbies or passions.
Criticizing or belittling your choices and appearance.
Refusing to acknowledge or address issues.
Don't settle for someone who cares so little. These everyday actions contribute to a healthy and fulfilling relationship.
Boundary Examples
Knowing the difference between a real boundary and a non-boundary is essential.
Confident, Effective Boundaries
“I appreciate your concern, but I need some space to process this situation on my own right now.”
“I'm not comfortable discussing my personal finances with anyone outside of my immediate family.”
“I need you to respect my decision to spend time with my friends without feeling guilty about it.”
“It's important to me that we keep our work and personal lives separate to maintain a healthy balance.”
“I understand you may have good intentions, but I need to make my own decisions without feeling pressured by your opinions.”
Not Boundaries
“I'd rather you didn't, if that's ok.”
“Sure, I'll do it your way even though I don't want to.”
“Why do you keep borrowing my stuff?”
“I guess I can cancel my plans if you're upset.”
“I will keep quiet and avoid a fight, even though it's important to me.”
Emotional Preparation
Being ready to get into, or back into, a relationship may seem impossible right now.
Remember that it isn't so much being perfect and mastering every aspect in this book. Healthy relationships can only be practiced while interacting with others.
What makes a good partner is loving yourself enough that someone treating you badly feels wrong. It is knowing what your strengths and weaknesses are and working with that information for success. Most of all, it is to stop waiting and enjoy getting to know yourself better, until the right partner shows up.
It's never the perfect time for love, but life is not perfect. It's messy and scary and vulnerable. If you're not ready to commit to all of that, then instead, commit to radically loving and supporting yourself, the way you would a partner, and you will see that is the secret to happiness and the truest form of love after all.
Now You Know!
After this section, you have explored:
My Attachment Style
My Attraction Style
My Communication Style
My Boundaries
My EQ
My Mental Health
My Trauma Responses
Up Next
Get Clear on The Goal
Now that you know yourself better, it is time to define what you truly want -- and what you will never accept again.
Continue to Section 2